Head Cheese 7 - the news as you think it should be!
Now bite-sized for people with short attention spans!!

Local News - Bilingual Friends Speak Unintelligible 50/50 Blend;  Mom Accidentally Rents Three Similar Movies In A Row;  Woman Rides Bicycle Slower Than Walking Pace;  Corrupt Politician Opposes Anti-Graft Legislation;  Corrupt Politician Busted For Accepting $20 Bribe;  ECC Teacher Claims To Be Nova Teacher In Order To Pick Up Chicks;  Cute Chick Stares at Foreign Guy;  Man Pushes Both "Up" and "Down" Buttons;  OL Wears Out Mirror;  Woman Using Cell Phone Email Doesn't Notice World Around Her;  "Pull My Finger" Trick Finds New Markets;  If Only They Could Talk - Famous Shogun's Favorite USJ Attractions.
International News - Prostitute Commits Un-Felony;  News Reporter Exaggeratedly Stresses Correct Pronunciation;  Man Ignores "Say Hello" Request;  "Partners" May In Fact Be More Than Just Partners;  Witty Retort Arrives 24 Hours Late;  The King of Mispronunciations;  Man Lies to Wife About Affair With Secretary;  Spunky High School Has Own Electric Chair;  Theater Usher Welcomes "Open Bribe" Legislation;  Taliban Destroys Ancient Statues To Take Focus Away From Human Rights Abuse;  Mailroom Clerk Gives Himself $5 Million Bonus;  Population of Liechtenstein Passes 1 Billion;  Bill of Rights Syntax Error Debated;  Japanese Exchange Students in NYC Astounded by Poor Japanese on Menu;  Man Mysteriously Wakes Up With 60s Hit Song "Candyman" In His Head.
Arts and Entertainment - Heavy Metal Fan Indignantly Refuses to Believe That His Favorite Bands Suck;  Third Zampfir Box Set Sold;  Sisters of Mercy at Work on "Vision Thing 2";  "The Insider 2: Inside Hollywood" and "Gladiator 2: Beyond the Walls of Sleep";  "Multiplicity 2" To Be The Final Word in Clone Movies;  "The Litigator" Preys on Fear of Serial Litigation;  Megahit Movie About Psychotic Litigator Flops In Europe;  Films of the Nineties a Testament to Automobile Hubris;  The Top 20 Dates of All Time Established;  Special "Double";  Cultural Icons of Today - How Will They Be Regarded By Our Children?;  "Reality Based" Written in Quotes.
Society - Learning Not Tied to Time and Money Spent;  First Class Bore Talks Obsessively About Films Nobody Has Seen.
Editorial - I'm In The Market For A New Disposable Razor.
Science and Technology - New Study Reveals That Julius Caesar May Actually Have Committed Suicide;  Collectors Item Homepages Saved in Cache Memory;  Metallica Homepage Bootlegged.
Sports - Snowboader Discrimination Spreading Across the Slopes.
Business -  Businessman Forced to Tell a Lie;  Nanka Brand Foods and Beverages;  "The Maggot" Sport Shoe's Fails to Catch On;  New Model SUV Contains Bus Engine.
Features - Quotable Enough to Quote; Wieners and Loosers; Hissy Fit of the Weak; Let's Make A Bad Joke; Letters to the Editor,

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Local News

Bilingual Friends Speak Unintelligible 50/50 Blend - Sumi Kobayashi and Hebiko Tatsuma met on their first day at the job at Watsuwon Motors, and it only took them a short time to realize that they had both been high school exchange students in the same small California town in the early Nineties.  "It's so interesting," says Kobayashi, "how could we not run into each other in that little town?"  Both women, being perfectly bilingual, have additionally taken up the habit of practicing English when they are together as much as they can, but as their conversations get more and more excited, more and more Japanese slips in with their English.  "It's interesting, saa.  Sometimes it's a lot easier to mix up with the Japanese, nihongo deshiyo, so that tekitoni we just say how we feel as it comes out, neee."  The two ladies' near unintelligible 50/50 blend of English and Japanese is a mystery to most of their co-workers.  "I just turn off when they are around," says co-worker Reina Oda.  "Whatever it is they are talking about, it probably isn't interesting anyway."

Mom Accidentally Rents Three Similar Movies In A Row - In many local homes, the cooking and the cleaning is left to the mother; but in the Boriwatanagi household the mother takes her role one step further and does as much as she can to plan her family's entertainment schedule.  "I plan vacations and family trips, I also rent the videos we watch on weekends.  We prefer watching videos to TV - no commercials, see.  My husband always leaves for work on the first train and comes home on the last so he has no time for videos anyway, but we just love them."  But a crimp finally appeared in Ms. Boriwatanagi organizational skills last weekend as she unknowingly rented three similar movies in a row.  "On Friday I rented 'Erin Brockovich' for us to watch.  I just love Julia Roberts, and besides that it won all these Oscars.  Then on Saturday I needed another movie, so I thought I'd get that John Travolta movie 'A Civil Action,' I love John Travolta and besides I heard it was good.  I liked it, but my kids thought it was pretty similar to the other movie.  Oh well.  Then Sunday I rented 'the Insider.'  I love Al Pacino, and that Russel Crowe is getting so popular.  He was in that 'Gladiator' movie that won all those Oscars, so I want to see more of him.  This time my kids were really complaining - they claimed that we had watched the same movie three nights in a row - all about some law cases against big business.  Wow.  I guess they were right, but how could I have known?  I wonder why all these new movies are about court cases against big business in America.  Well, tonight I think I'll try something different, something a bit older.  I haven't seen that Cher movie yet, 'Silkwood,' I wonder if it's good."

Woman Rides Bicycle Slower Than Walking Pace - Kumi Masatakamoto's preferred form of transportation when going further than 500 meters from her house has for the last 60 years been her trusty mamachari bicycle.  But what makes Mrs. Masatakamoto so exceptional is that she has in recent years actually mastered the art of riding a bicycle at slower then a walking pace.  "I often see Kumi-san on the streets," explains Mrs. Masatakamoto's 65-year-old neighbor Shiiko Borimoto, "and I always say hi as I walk past her, even if we are going the same direction I can usually overtake her at my regular walking pace.  I wonder how she manages to ride so slowly - if I try to ride my bicycle that slowly I usually fall over.  Kumi-san must have fantastic balance, I wish I could have such balance even at my age, I wonder what will I be like when I get to her age?"  Kumi Masatakamoto is said to be over 93 years old.

Corrupt Politician Opposes Anti-Graft Legislation - Legislative attempts to pass an anti-graft bill in government yesterday were halted by corrupt politician Sawaguchi Jimutaro, who argued that anti-graft legislation will be a shock to all of the major industries of the nation and may bring regular business practice to a standstill.  "I can only oppose this type of legislation - it is immoral, unfair, and unjust."  Sawaguchi also claimed to be speaking for other politicians who were unable to support the bill openly but stood behind him symbolically.  Sawaguchi, who has been convicted of accepting bribes on at least five occasions, remains hugely popular in his home region of Nishi Sawaguchi in the north of Japan and belongs to a long-standing local political family.

Corrupt Politician Busted For Accepting $20 Bribe - Cut rate local politician Wakamoto Kurumataro, forced to bring down his price of doing "favors" for local building contractors and organized crime figures to around 2000 yen (US$ 20), was recently convicted of accepting bribes from authorities working for Shikiwiki Constructions.  Wakamoto, who issued a public apology for his actions, claims that he ddn't knowingly commit a crime, and had asked the judges to consider the low amount of money as transportation costs that the construction company were paying him for coming to the meeting.  "It may seem like a bribe," claimed Wakamoto, "but actually it was just Shikiwiki offering to help me defray transportation costs and other expenses.  I took the subway over, it cost 880 yen one way, which surely accounts for most of the 2000 yen, doesn't it?"  Wakamoto was convicted twice last year of accepting bribes, all under 5000 yen (US$ 50).

ECC Teacher Claims To Be Nova Teacher In Order To Pick Up Chicks - Unable to find any attractive young single working Japanese women who are impressed with the English language school he works for, ECC teacher Richard Blathy has resorted to claiming that he is in fact a Nova teacher.  Nova, which is the only large language school chain in Japan to advertise on prime time TV, is constantly coming up with new campaigns and songs to create name recognition among Japanese who want to study English, many of whom happen to be attractive young single working Japanese women.  "When I got here I used to tell young single working Japanese women that I was trying to pick up that I was an ECC teacher," explains Blathy, "but that didn't work because most of them hadn't heard of ECC.  Unfortunately, the ones who knew it had a bad impression of it claiming that ECC teachers are social dropouts teaching in Japan because they have nowhere else to turn.  Well... whatever.  I tried to tell these young single working Japanese women that I was a model for a while, but they saw through me right away when I couldn't produce a single catalogue I had modeled business suits for.  Then one day, quite by accident, I told a young single working Japanese woman I was talking to that I was a Nova teacher, and she became interested right away.  It's pretty strange, but it works, so now I'm a 'Nova teacher.' Yoku dekimasssss!"

Cute Chick Stares at Foreign Guy - Yesterday in Osaka, a foreign teacher was walking in the park hand in hand with his girlfriend when he noticed a cute chick staring at him.  His girlfriend, oblivious to the bold move by the cute chick, kept walking while the foreign guy began to tense up.  As they continued walking, the foreign guy tried to pretend not to notice the cute chick.  The cute chick, apparently a high school student, was sitting in a group with her friends sipping tea and fiddling with her cell phones, appeared to have an expression of lust in her eyes.  Finally some distance away from the cute chick, the foreign guys thoughts were filled with questions about what had just taken place.  "This is not the first time this has happened to me," says foreign guy John Throaty, "and I'm always amazed at the boldness of a certain kind of cute chick.  I'm sure she knows she's pretty cute.  Next time this happens, I think I'll approach the girl and say something to her in English.  I'm sure she won't be able to keep up the stare, and she and her friends will just giggle and laugh.  Then I could also giggle and laugh along with them, everybody could giggle on and on uncomfortably and then everybody would get weirded out.  I think that would teach cute chicks all over Japan a lesson, don't you?"

Man Pushes Both "Up" and "Down" Buttons - A man waiting impatiently for an elevator to take him from the seventh floor of the building he was in to the twelfth floor decided that he could speed up the elevators by pushing both the up button and the down button; this is in spite of the fact that he really only wanted to go up and not down.  Later an empty elevator going down stopped on his floor.  Seeing that the elevator was going down, the man realized it would make no sense to get into the elevator that was going down when he in fact wanted to go up.  The elevator went to the first floor, then stopped again on the seventh floor on its way up and he got in it.  He was instantly whisked to the twelfth floor where he proceeded to complain about the slow elevator service in the building.  "I had to go from the seventh floor to the twelfth floor - that's five floors up.  If it had been only one or two, I would have taken the stairs, but five is a bit too much for me - I guess I should cut down smoking.  I really should quit. But before I do that, I really want to see better service in those elevators!"

OL Wears Out Mirror - Anybody who thinks a mirror is something that cannot wear out through overuse had best think again - Kumi Yamamoto of Osaka, Japan has just become the first person on record to do just that!  Ms. Yamamoto, who never goes anywhere without her cell phone, her make-up bag, and her pocket mirror first began to notice her pocket mirror wearing out last year.  "Well, you know, the color was beginning to fade a bit," Ms. Yamamoto explained excitedly, "and I was thinking that it was because I was wearing a bit less make-up that day, but then I noticed it every day, even on bright sunny days when I wasn't wearing sunglasses and when I knew for sure I had heavy make-up on and all that.  Then it began to go pretty blank, kind of like a piece of white cardboard with some saran wrap over it, so I decided to go out and get a new mirror.  It made a huge difference, now I can even see all of my pores and everything - gross!!  But I can't be without a mirror, I check it all the time... well, I guess I use it every spare minute I have really.  But that's pretty weird, isn't it?  I never heard of anybody wearing out a pocket mirror.  I have heard of people wearing out their cell phones, though.  I've gone through three of them myself, wore right through most of the buttons themselves, wow!"

Woman Using Cell Phone Email Doesn't Notice World Around Her - Single women with cell phones, the so-called digital girls, are well known to freeze in the pose of the cell-phone junkie - neck bent sixty degrees, right arm bent at the elbow ninety degrees, cell phone in hand and only the thumb moving back and forth.  But authorities were alarmed last week by an extreme case where a woman, Ms. Shirobume Hirokiko, remained still during an earthquake in a semi-comatose state as she composed an email to one of her co-workers.  "Everybody in the train was alarmed when it began to shake violently," explains JR worker Junitani Shunichiro, "but this lady did not react in the slightest.  It was kind of spooky actually."  Hazakashigawa Rie, a popular new author who wrote her first novels on a cell-phone during long commutes in the mid-nineties agrees that the world of the cell phone is intoxicating.  "I would write a chapter a day and email it to myself," said Ms. Hazakashigawa.  "It nearly destroyed my right thumb, but I couldn't help myself.  A lot of people out their are feeling helpless and lonely, and to them their cell phone is their only friend - boyfriend, husband, father, brother, taskmaster, all rolled into one light portable device.  I finally sought professional help, and now I am finally able to live without a cell phone.  The trick, really, is to get as early a model cell phone as possible to avoid the temptation to fiddle.  It helped me a lot.  My cell phone now is a clunky walkie-talkie cell phone, of the kind you can only really see in films of that period.  I hate cell phones now, and I'm all for devolution in phone technology."

"Pull My Finger" Trick Finds New Markets - Foreign teachers in Japan are finally realizing that the tricks that will fool nobody back home all work in Japan.  Of particular shock value is the "pull my finger" farting trick, where an English teacher, usually a male, will wait until he is ready to fart, then ask an unsuspecting child to pull his finger or "yubi wo hipatte."  When the unsuspecting child pulls the finger, the teacher releases the fart, clearing the way for the child to arrive at the shocking conclusion that by pulling an adult's finger he will be able to make him fart.  "Nobody can get away with the 'pull my finger' trick in my family," explains English teacher Allan Smithy, "but this is like a new market - everybody falls for it.  It's a lot of laughs.  People laugh so hard that nobody even notices the smell!  And all the other tricks work just as well.  I really love it here, I'm a born clown so I'm having so much fun."  Cultural sociologists are even using the trick to investigate various psychological processes by analyzing the lightning-fast mental reflex that causes children to assume that they are the cause for a certain effect, no matter how outlandish an assumption it might be.  As a foil to the "pull my finger" trick, however, is the "kancho" trick that all English teachers are known to fall for.  In this game, children will use two fingers to imitate an enema as they try to drill it up into an unsuspecting victim's asshole, causing extreme discomfort to the victim and encouraging gales of laughter from all observers.  "I've had the 'kancho' thing done to me before," admits Smithy sheepishly.  "I guess stooping as low as you can go to make fools of people is really not unique to our culture!"

If Only They Could Talk - Famous Shogun's Favorite USJ Attractions - Cultural observers in Japan rarely miss a beat, and with the opening of Universal Studios Japan there has been a flurry of analysis regarding how the Japanese, a.k.a. the tradition-bound people who are yet still pioneers of designing the future, will take to the park in contrast to the sights of Kyoto, the brilliance of Mt. Fuji, and the child-like glamour of Disneyland and Hello-Kitty Park.  Will the Terminator 2 3-D ride cultivate virtual technologies?  Will the Back to the Future ride encourage research in time-travel?  Will the Waterworld ride resuscitate the career of Kevin Costner?  We asked cultural observer and Japan deconstructionist John Throaty to span the generations and use his expert opinion to speculate on which rides would probably have been the personal favorites of the most famous (and infamous) figures from Japanese history.  "Well, to lead up to the modern era, we would have to go back to the warring shogun period that established the Edo period, the last great shogunate before modernization and industrialization.  To start with the three great shoguns of the warring period, Tokugawa Ieyasu, Oda Nobunaga, and Toyotomi Hideyoshi... I believe that Oda Nobunaga would have gone for the Terminator 2 attraction, since it is the most shocking and violent.  Tokugawa Ieyasu, being a progressive with his eye on the future, would have naturally gone for the Back to the Future ride, and I think that Toyotomi Hideyoshi would have gone for a Snoopy ride - he was an old softy who loved spending time with his grandchildren after all.  Natsume Soseki, the great modern writer, that's a tough one.  I think he would have been most interested in the Rockin' Halloween show, since it's a bombastic amalgam of modern ideas and progressive intellectuals like Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and the free-spirited Beetlejuice.  Sakamoto Ryoma, the founding revolutionary who helped to set the Meiji Restoration on its way, would probably have gone for the Waterworld ride, since it could remind him of the battle of the Gulf of Tosa.  Regarding the emperors themselves, I would be unwilling to speculate.  They already have their own theme parks dotted around Japan in the form of all those shrines, graves, etc."

International News

Prostitute Commits Un-Felony - Sally Trim is a working girl.  She wasn't always in 'the business,' but when her husband died leaving her with debts she couldn't pay, she turned to her large group of male admirers for support.  The attractive young blonde, a perky little thing even when wearing stiletto heels, soon found her admirers using her for sex, then squabbling among each other for control of her valuable time.  With her savings dwindling, she began asking the men in question for money.  When they wouldn't pay up, she took to standing on street corners.  Unfortunately, her only customers were her male admirers, who would often just feed her in absence of monetary payment.  "Those guys, they are all so sweet," says Trim.  "But they were also all so broke!  But what could I do, I couldn't say no."  So when Ms. Trim was picked up for soliciting for prostitution last month, the police were unable to press charges that would stick.  "No money changed hands, apparently," says detective John Schneider, "and all the men in question were over 18, as is Ms. Trim herself.  She really hadn't committed a felony, so we had to let her go.  Interesting.  I wonder when the last time that happened was."

News Reporter Exaggeratedly Stresses Correct Pronunciation - Jeannie Rogers considers her time spent in Europe studying French and German among her most important assets in being a professional news reporter.  Besides learning about these languages, she made dozens of contacts from various countries around the world, learning as much as she could about nations far away.  Now, whenever she encounters a foreign term or a difficult-to-pronounce name, she can draw on her experience and use the correct pronunciation nearly every time.  "I take pride in getting my pronunciations right every time," explained Ms. Rogers excitedly.  "Nothing gets under my skin more than hearing professionals mis-pronounce a name.  All these Chinese names with the wrong tones, hard vowel sounds with Japanese terms, and the realm of French terms is a horror show.  Like just the term 'raison d'etre,' people usually make it sound like they're talking about Raisin Bran.  If you're not making a spitting sound on the 'r's, you should get out of the business."  Ms. Rogers also considers herself the only reporter working today who knows the correct pronunciation the entire Russian cabinet.

Man Ignores "Say Hello" Request - John Fartridge was walking home from work late one Thursday night when he was stopped by an acquaintance he barely knew.  Detained for only a minute, the acquaintance asked him to give his regards to Fartridge's wife, even though they had never actually met.  When Fartridge arrived home that night, his wife was in the bath and his dinner was waiting for him on the table.  Taking some time to eat his meal and watch a bit of television, Fartridge allowed his mind to wander as he took some time to drink a large scotch before he got ready to sleep as one of the dead.  It was only the next morning that he realized that he had failed to convey the previous evening's request to "say hello" to his wife.  "I remember when I was a kid," related Fartridge, "and I met my former babysitter on the street one day.  Her younger brother was my best friend.  She asked me to say hello to my mom.  It was the first time that I had somebody ask me to do such an outlandish thing, so I kept putting it off and putting it off.  It's now thirty years later and I still haven't conveyed the message.  I think they haven't met in those thirty years, and they're both getting on in age, I better not wait too much longer.  It's always been a traumatic incident for me to convey my regards to people, I just hate doing it.

"Partners" May In Fact Be More Than Just Partners - A recent conversation around a company water cooler in which a man told a story about his "partner" has led to some speculation among participants as to what the exact nature of the two men's partnership is.  "We have a pool at the office about this," says QuickMinute middle manager Robert Owings, "most people think that they might be tennis partners, other people believe that they are business partners in some kind of side business.  One person even believes that the partner might actually be some kind of kinky sex partner!  It's all in fun, though, really."  More recently, a new pool has started with participants betting on the actual sex of the "partner" in question.

Witty Retort Arrives 24 Hours Late - When his co-workers were chiding him for describing the guitar style of Jimmy Page as "moody" at an office party on
Friday, Brian Pooflech needed a witty retort at his ready command.  Unfortunately when it finally arrived, it was 24 hours late.  The boys were juiced up, having already been drinking for over two hours, when Pooflech arrived relatively sober and with a friend in tow.  Being thus disadvantaged, there was little he could do then the tiny arrows began to fly.  "I'm not very good with witty retorts anyway," Pooflech later told people.  "My witty retorts always arrive about 24 hours too late, I think I need to go to a witty retort seminar or something, other people seem to handle them with ease and I always wonder why I take such a long time to come up with real stingers.  I mean, there are people who are quick as a whip, and that is a talent that can be learned as well I'm sure.  Some people just blurt out their retorts ill-formed, I don't want to be like that.  But what good is a witty retort if it's a day late?  Either come on time, or don't come at all I always say."

The King of Mispronunciations - According to some of his friends, Robert Maljtif may in fact be the king of mispronunciations.  Jaljtif, a car mechanic, seems unable to pronounce any of the English language's most common nouns and adjectives properly.  Claiming that he does a lot of reading and rarely listens to the radio or watch TV, Maljtif seems especially prone to switching the so-called soft g's (gosh) with hard g's (germ), hence problems saying exaggerate, German, and George.  "Having a conversation with Robert is kind of funny," says co-worker Bill Smith.  "The other day I heard him mispronounce the word 'shibboleth' - at first I had no idea what he was talking about, but as I went over it in my mind later I realized what he probably meant.  I'm glad he's a quiet guy who keeps to himself, if he was the type of guy who always comes over to your work station and wants to talk about something stupid I'd probably get fed up with all of those weird pronunciations of his and just tell him to his face that he's an idiot."

Man Lies to Wife About Affair With Secretary - There are times when John Roobani wishes that his secretary were less attractive, but no more so than on nights when his jealous wife accuses him of having an affair with the gorgeous blonde single mother former beauty queen.  Finally one day last week, Roobani gave in to pressure and told his wife that he was indeed having an affair with his sexy secretary; Jane Roobani moved out the same night.  "I didn't want to tell her that I was having an affair," Mr. Roobani reported.  "I'm actually not having an affair with Miss Chamberlain, my secretary, but Jane refused to believe me, so I lied and told her what she wanted to hear to shut her up.  I don't know if I did the right thing, but this is such a mess, I don't know what I can do now.  I probably would have had an affair with Miss Chamberlain, sure, if she were interested, but she turned me down every time.  She doesn't need an affair with a married schmuck like me when she can have her pick from half the town.  Now I have neither wife nor mistress.  Why are people so willing to believe lies, so unwilling to believe the truth.  What a mess."

Spunky High School Has Own Electric Chair - Corporal punishment may be a contentious issue in local schools, but no more so than at Milford Junior High, which has a secret weapon against vandals, truants and drug dealers: an electric chair.  The chair, once used in state executions, is only used for the most seriously delinquent students, is mostly used for its shock value and to threaten students, but it is still used several times a year, and has once even been used to provide fatal execution to a student who attacked a teacher with a dictionary, resulting in agitation that provoked the teacher to have a heart attack; the teacher later died.  A week later, his attacker followed him in the electric chair.  "We call the walk to the chair 'the brown mile,'" says 10th grader Robert Milly.  "Because most of the kids crap their pants when they are threatened with it.  Our school is pretty safe.  I think that real delinquencies occur mostly through some sort of misunderstanding, the teachers really know how to intimidate the kids in this place, they really get away with murder.  A lot of people say that the west wing is haunted.  I saw the chair once, it was a pretty scary looking thing.  It smelled pretty bad down there too.  It still gives me nightmares at night.  I can't wait to get to college."

Theater Usher Welcomes "Open Bribe" Legislation - Recent legislation being debated in parliament on a bill that would open the practice of bribing to all sectors of society, not just influential government officials and police and judicial authorities, is being openly welcomed by many workers in the service industry.  When asked how he felt about the bill, theater usher Richard Dicky quickly expressed his enthusiastic support.  "I think it's great that they're finally doing something for people like us," explains Dicky.  "I usually don't follow politics, maybe it was because I never felt represented, but I'm following this one very closely.  I think it's pretty undemocratic to have only legislators, judges, and cops in positions to collect bribes.  Now if this legislation passes, I'll be able to collect money just for selling people desirable tickets that I am withholding hoping for a bribe.  Tons of ancient civilizations use a system similar to this, I don't see why we shouldn't.  It's pretty fair to everybody, even if it means shelling out a bit more to see a movie.  Nothing wrong with it, right?"

Taliban Destroys Ancient Statues To Take Focus Away From Human Rights Abuse - Several ancient statues were destroyed in Afghanistan last week in a deliberate effort by the Taliban government of that country to distract the world community from human rights abuses occurring daily in the country and focus international media attention on the plight of several large ancient relics.  The sheer physical size of the statues is one reason why the government chose these relics over others.  "We wanted those media people to get off of our backs for a while over the way we treat out people, protestors, political prisoners, authors, women and children, army conscripts, things like that," says government official Ahmed Ahmedabadalanan.  "So now we got a little reprieve, although things are starting to heat up again already.  We're out there looking for other things to destroy in case it gets as bad as it did back last March."

Mailroom Clerk Gives Himself $5 Million Bonus - In a bold attempt to mimic the president of the rich international electronics organization he works for, mailroom clerk Brian Benson has given himself a $5 million bonus.  Eagerly awaiting approval by the board of directors, Benson discussed his move while waiting for the results of the decision.  "I'm pretty sure I'm going to get it, since I know that I'm a valuable asset to the company and my work this year helped increase sales 1000% while I cut mailroom costs to a fraction of what they were last year by bringing my kids and getting them to work without pay, not to mention outsourcing to a Central Asian sweatshop.  I'm pretty close with most of the members of the board, so I'm hoping that they'll help me out the way I helped them out last year - believe me, I haven't forgotten to remind them.  The fact is, though, that I've already spent some of the money - the loan sharks are closing in.  But if I get it, I should have more than enough for a couple of years.  I've got big plans.  Two weeks off coming to me, Monte Carlo here I come!!"

Population of Liechtenstein Passes 1 Billion - The population explosion in Europe hit another benchmark last week as the population of Liechtenstein, one of the smallest countries on earth, passed one billion.  The tiny alpine nation is nearly entirely covered with housing, and in fact more than 75% of all of its citizens live outside of Liechtenstein's borders in nearby Switzerland, Austria, and Germany, often commuting over three hours every day in order to work in the commercial corridors of Vaduz.  Liechtenstein, once a sleepy nation reliant on banking and a small tourism industry, saw a population explosion in the last decade of such unrivalled proportions that the population doubled every couple of months.  The king of Liechtenstein, with over fifty children of his own, has responded to the problem by building an extra wing on his castle and declaring a national emergency.

Bill of Rights Syntax Error Debated - Constitutional law has been torn apart in recent weeks by the discovery of an apparent syntax error in the second amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America, which gives the people of the United States of America the right to "bear arms."  In a controversial new study released by acclaimed constitutional historian James Brindrommy, the author claims that the drafters of the second amendment did not have firearms - guns, rifles, and other explosive weapons - in mind when they passed the amendment, but rather the "arms" of bears, or what we would in modern times call bear paws.  "At the time in America," explains Brindrommy, "a lot of people hunted for their food with bows and arrows, and parties would often go out and kill bears for their meat; bears are considered dangerous, but in fact they are slow-moving and easy prey to large hunting parties.  The native peoples of the time coveted bear paws - mostly for the claws which were used to make jewellery considered a sign of a hunter's bravery and capable of bestowing further luck - and some battles were fought between natives and settlers about who final possession of the paws of the bears; the rights to bear paws was a very important issue at that time.  So Congress needed to pass a law protecting the so-called 'bear arms' in question.  It really puts a bit of a spin on the whole gun debate, now doesn't it?"  So far, the NRA has refused to comment on the controversial report.

Japanese Exchange Students in NYC Astounded by Poor Japanese on Menu - A small group of Japanese exchange students rolled on the sidewalk in New York in gales of laughter last Saturday as they discovered a restaurant sign written in such poor Japanese that its meaning was nearly impossible to understand.  The sign, written in magic marker in a clearly non-Japanese hand contained several syntax and grammatical errors.  "I just couldn't believe this sign," says Okamoto Teruo, one of the students.  "I've never seen such a stupid sign.  No Japanese would ever write such a silly thing.  If you can't write a coherent Japanese sentence, why bother?  Whoever composed this probably used a dictionary exclusively, it's totally fruity and too direct.  What a mess.  This is so funny.  This is so stupid.  This is so funny.  How could anybody be so stupid and write such a dumb sign?  Even my stupid little brother couldn't make up anything this bad, this is lower then baby talk."  The group of students, breathless and nearly unable to walk from laughing so hard, have been debating whether they should notify their favorite variety show host and get them to bring a camera crew to New York so that the hosts of the show can make fun of the ridiculous sign on national TV.

Man Mysteriously Wakes Up With 60s Hit Song "Candyman" In His Head - For the fourth morning in a row, David Peters has woken up from a deep sleep with the song "Candyman" mysteriously in his head.  The '60s hit, which is still played periodically on the radio, is not a favorite of Peters.  "I don't even remember the last time I actually heard that song.  'The candyman can... the candyman can...'  It's so infectious."  Even more strange is the fact that this is not the first time Peters has suffered from this condition.  "Besides the 'Candyman' situation, the other day 'Besa Me Mucho' came into my head when I was on the subway, it became quite difficult for me to even read.  Then the other day the same thing happened with that '50s novelty song 'Charlie Brown.'  Every now and then, it's a Carpenters song.  Or that song 'Sukiyaki' makes an appearance every now and then.  I just don't get it.  Am I suffering from a mental condition of some kind?"

Arts and Entertainment


Heavy Metal Fan Indignantly Refuses to Believe That His Favorite Bands Suck - A stalwart heavy metal fan for over twenty years, John Roberts is one of the musical genre's last great holdouts, still stubbornly insists that heavy metal rules and refusing to concede that any of his favorite heavy metal bands suck.  Roberts, who is 35 years old and still lives at his parents house in a small poster-covered room in the basement, claims to have had a near-religious experience when a friend asked him to come along with him to a Judas Priest tour.  "They were touring on the British Steel album," explains Roberts, "and my life changed forever.  I never looked back.  Priest, Maiden, even Motley Crue, they rule my world in their many incarnations; even through their flirtations with rap and funk I stood strong.  The German metal bands like Destruction and Heavy Pettin', they're good, I always get their new albums when they come out, these bands are all still going strong even after all these years, more proof that metal is here to stay.  Metal lives.  Heavy metal rules the world, it will never die.  Some of the weaker bands like Stryper or Quiet Riot get torn apart, but that's the short-sightedness of the record industry at work there.  Queensryche have a new album out, Ozzy Osborne has never been stronger, and Iron Maiden and Judas Priest have a virtual monopoly on the metal world with all of their spinoffs and bands by former members.  Another exciting area is Canadian metal, with acts like Anvil, Thor, Annihilator, the Killer Dwarves, all that wild stuff.  Mercyful Faith have just gotten back together again, it's like the third time I think.  I got my tickets for the concert, they just went on sale too.  You get yours?"

Third Zampfir Box Set Sold - Five years after the 20 CD Zampfir box set was released to commercial markets, a third set was finally sold in a branch of Tower Records in Nishinomiya.  The box set, which chronicles over 30 years of orchestral pan flute by the mysterious Greek musician Zampfir, has not been a hot seller.  The previous two copies were both sold in London, England.  Tetsuya Mitsuhiro, who claims that he was drawn to the 20 CD box more by its attractive design than its competitive price of 5000 yen, admits to actually having a passing fancy in the music of Zampfir.  "The power of that famous song of his, whatever it's called, is undeniable," says Mr. Tetsuya.  "I guess the first thing I'm going to do is go through the first few discs, skipping tracks until I can figure out what the song it called.  I'm sure you know the one.  I guess, once I find it, I'll start listening to the CDs in their entirety.  I guess in the end, when I'm sick of the music, I'll end up auctioning it on the internet.  But I like that music, it relaxes me, it caries me up into the Andes mountains.  I want to get to Machu Piccu one day.  When I hear the pan pipes, I think of those guys that hang out in Kobe in front of the train station playing the South American music, they're fantastic.  Like a Nestle commercial or something.  I guess I could also fill the CD changer in my car with these Zampfir CDs for a while, although it might get a little strange driving down the highway to the tunes.  And if I do that, what will I do with my Steppenwolf CDs?"

Sisters of Mercy at Work on "Vision Thing 2" - Unofficial reports have reached Head Cheese that the Sisters of Mercy, on hiatus since their 1991 release "Vision Thing," have been inspired to create new songs upon falling out of a drugged dream-state and realizing that George Bush was still in the White House.  The group has written three songs and is waiting for President Bush Jr. to make a few controversial/ironic quotes similar to his father's "vision thing" and "one million points of light" before they can write lyrics for the songs themselves.  "The Sisters did not intentionally just skip over the entire Clinton administrations," says Sisters of Mercy spokesman Robert Geraldo, "because there were several factors that came into that - primarily the large amount of money they came into following the success of 'Vision Thing' and its subsequent tours.  But it is also undeniable that it is more interesting making fun of a Republican president than a Democratic president.  Sure, there was the Monica thing, but those sex scandals and stuff just kind of roll off most Europeans backs anyway..."


Sequel Mania: "The Insider 2: Inside Hollywood" and "Gladiator 2: Beyond the Walls of Sleep" - Hot rumors circulating Hollywood report that hot actor Russel Crowe is now hard at work on the simultaneous filming of the sequels to his two most successful and critically acclaimed films of last year, the same ones which helped him palm the sweaty statuette at this year's Oscar awards ceremony.  "The Insider 2" will feature the fictional activities of a real-life tobacco industry whistle-blower as he goes undercover in the Hollywood film industry and exposes the truth behind all those rumors that have captured the imaginations of so many film fans, fans who have been deprived of the truth for years.  Among the truths rumored to be exposed are the notorious hamster incident, the case of the aging actress who removed a rib to maintain a youthful body, as well as the case of the celebrity stomach that was pumped because it was too full of sperm.  In "Gladiator 2" Rowe is rumored to be playing the role of Roman general Maximus, killed in the final scenes of "Gladiator", returning to action as he wakes up from a coma to discover that the world of ancient Rome that he had lived in was merely a virtual world designed for the amusement of a single young child by his visionary programmer father.  A playfully violent film that is a cross between Bergman's "the Seventh Seal" and Glaser's "the Running Man", the film also nods to such films as diverse as "Tron", "the Lawnmower Man", "eXistenZ", and of course "the Matrix".  Hollywood filmgoers are waiting in eager anticipation for both films, heatedly debating which they will line up for months in advance to see first on opening night - Hollywood sources reveal that both films are slated to open on the same day!!

Sequel Mania Part 2: "Multiplicity 2" To Be The Final Word in Clone Movies - Michael J. Schaffner, the legendary director of "The Boys From Brazil," is rumored to be a possible director for a sequel to the 1996 smash hit "Multiplicity", tentatively titled "Son of Multiplicity".  The original film "Multiplicity", about a Fred Flintstone-like family that finds itself in Fred Flintstone-like situations when the Fred Flinstone-like father figure, played by Michael Keaton, decides to clone himself just like Fred Flintstone did in that one episode.  The sequel is set to take a darker tone than the original comedy, with famed Nazi hunter Klaus Stockwell on a mission to hunt down the clones of the first movie, now running a pizza place in Florida.  The film, which will again feature Keaton with side-kick Eugene Levy in the Fred and Barny roles, will also feature a beautiful secret agent who often leaves the bumbling duo in tight situations after uttering the phrase "you stupid good-lookings - I'm too important to be captured."  "Multiplicity 2"is the third feature film to be based on an episode of the Flintstones, following the original "Multiplicity" and the Tom Hanks comedy. "the 'Burbs."

"The Litigator" Preys on Fear of Serial Litigation - Set to open this Friday, "the Litigator" is a film about a psychotic lawyer who has the power to carry out that which most Americans fears above anything else - serial litigation.  In the film, a mysterious greedy aggressive power-mad lawyer, played by newcomer Josh Pendleton, terrorizes a community by unleashing a series of litigation claims against them for various misdeeds that the members of the community are guilty of.  Although most of the claims are untrue, the members of the community know that the claims could tie them up in court for decades and cost millions of dollars in legal fees, even if the community could eventually be named innocent of the claims.  An undercurrent of real guilt casts suspicions on the members of this community torn apart as the serial litigator stalks victim after victim in this terrifyingly real horror film.  Luckily in the end the serial killer is finally killed in an appropriate way just as he is attempting to kill the heroes of the film, who had just turned their backs on him after believing falsely that they had stopped his litigous rampage.

Megahit Movie About Psychotic Litigator Flops In Europe - "The Litigator," a megahit movie in America, has just opened in Europe to disappointing ticket sales.  The film, which concerns a psychotic lawyer who tries to sue a small community out of existence, does not seem to play on the fears of Europeans the way it did so successfully with those of the average American.  "The fact is that Europeans don't fear litigation the ways Americans do," says theater goer Klaus Windl, "which is why I must say I couldn't understand or enjoy this film.  The only reason I watched it is because I got a free ticket.  Actually, I spent most of the film composing emails on my cell phone, only looking up at the good parts, of which there honestly weren't many.  Films like this display why we cannot relate to Hollywood films and call most of them 'crap.'  If anything, it makes us glad that we don't live in America where you could be sued for doing any little thing.  My company was trying to get my to transfer to their San Francisco office, but this film has helped me make up my mind not to go."

Films of the Nineties a Testament to Automobile Hubris - If future civilizations ever need to study the sweeping wave of automobile hubris that dominated the nineties, they need look no further than the films of that era.  Huge, gas-guzzling jeeps and SUVs and other tank-like vehicles appeared to be the transportation for protagonists antagonists alike in dozens of films ranging from the bait-like characters of the "Scream" movies to the moles and spies and terrorists that appeared in films like "Ronin" and "the Insider", even organized crime figures made them their second homes in the award winning black comedy TV drama "the Sopranos."  "Hollywood loves a trendy car," says Auto Plus editor John Sctopovich, "and those huge road blocking eye-sores were pretty much the car of the era.  It will be interesting to see what they give way for in the first decade of the 20th century, but I guess it's just to early to tell."


The Top 20 Dates of All Time Established - Rolling Stone, already having established the best albums/concerts/films/personalities/inventions of all time, has finally gone the final step and declared a list of the twenty best dates of all time.  At the top of the list was the first date that Warren Beatty had with Annette Bening, followed closely by Charlie Sheen's first date with Amber Lynn.  Although the list is heavily dominated by white American celebrities, there are a few anonymous entries to balance the list fairly: John Walpinger and Joan Whisterzylchzyski's second date (the first date was a double date with another couple who kept giggling) where the couple climbed the mountain and drank beer and smoked joints, the evening ended with some relaxing oral sex.  "It was wonderful," John said.  "Joan was so beautiful, and we had such a deep, relaxing time in the mountains."  Joan has similar comments to add.  "John was fantastic, such a nice guy.  Our second date was sensational, I'm not surprised to find it on your list.  It's really too bad the relationship itself wasn't like that second date."  Next month, Rolling Stone is rumored to be publishing a "Best 20 Relationships of the 20th Century" list.

Special "Double" Issue Actually 1.5 Issue - A recent issue of Time magazine that contained a special report section on a recent trend had the words "double issue" printed in large letters on the cover.  A close inspection of the magazine, however, showed an issue of a magazine that was somewhat less than double.  With an average issue of Time running around forty pages, the sixty-page "double" issue was hardly double, even if the cover feature wasn't light as air, skimpy on insight, and contained virtually nothing new that hadn't been circulating free via word of mouth anyway.  "Nowadays the word 'double' in connection with the subject of a 'double issue' is not to be taken literally," explained manager of marketing Ron Griswald.  "The term 'double' is perhaps similar to the McDonalds hamburger known as the 'quarter pounder,' which actually weighs less than a quarter pound.  I'm sure this information is not new for anyone anyway.  I believe that people usually interpret the term 'double issue' as meaning 'bigger than usual.'  Besides, we have had a few ultra-light issues that were less than thirty pages, so in a sense it really is a 'double issue.'"  When asked whether it bothered them that the issue of Time that they were paying double for was actually less than double, most readers expressed indifference.  "I usually read it for free in the library anyway," says university student John Williams.  "It's a little light on information to pay the full price anyway, 'double issue' or not."

Cultural Icons of Today - How Will They Be Regarded By Our Children? - As time passes on and the generation that followed the Baby Boomers ages and has children of their own, speculation has begun to arise about which cultural icons the PBB (post baby boom) generation will chose to be thrust upon the PPBB (post post baby boom) generation before they have icons of their own.  Who will be the Humphrey Bogart, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Joe Dimaggio of their generation?  What will be their 2001: a Space Odyssey, their Woodstock?  What events that they never experienced will have their relevance explained to them over and over again?  After conducting a poll, Head Cheese has come up with an easy-to-understand table that translates PBB generation imposed icons to PPBB.
(answers follow bolded names and events in yellow type.  To check the answers, click and drag on your mouse to block/select the concealed words and they will become visible).
Cultural Icon Conversion Table
Humphrey Bogart - Robert DeNiro.
James Dean - River Phoenix.
Marilyn Monroe - Courtney Love.
Joe Dimaggio - Dennis Rodman.
"2001: a Space Odyssey" - "Eyes Wide Shut."
Woodstock - Woodstock 2000.                                                                                 Answers written in yellow text - select text to reveal answers
"Seargent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" - "Nevermind."
the death of Elvis/John Lennon - the death of Kurt Cobain/G.G. Allin.
the invention of the birth control pill - the introduction of ecstasy.
the assassination of JFK - the fall of Pee Wee Herman.
Abbie Hoffman - Zach de la Rocha .
the Vietnam War - the CNN war.
the Gulf of Tonkin Incident - NAFTA.

"Reality Based" Written in Quotes - Media watchers in many western nations have been noticing the trend in television programming recently to include "reality based" shows in their prime-time line-ups in reflection of the astounding rise in popularity of this new type of entertainment.  Yet among them, a smaller group have begun to wonder openly why the term "reality based" is so often written in quotes.  "I don't understand why this term must be written in quotes," explains TV critic Robert Bastion, "and it's caused me to question what 'reality based' should really imply.  Consequently, I also question reality as I know it.  I mean, what is 'is'?"  Other critics have different opinions.  "It's obvious that 'reality based' is in quotes because it is in fact not reality based," explains TV deconstructionist Robert Throaty, "it is scripted.  If the TV executives were a bit ballsier they could call pro wrestling 'reality based,' or films like 'Beauty and the Beast' 'reality based' - somewhere out there there must be dozens of ugly guys in love with beautiful women, so in a sense something like that is reality based.  'Austin Powers' 'reality based'?  Why not?  I believe Head Cheese it 'reality based' as well, as you claim in your banner in not so many words, it is not?  Am I right or am I right?  Thank you."


Learning Not Tied to Time and Money Spent - An exhaustive study by the Educationology Institute of Northern Amsterdam has come to the surprising conclusion that time and money spent are ineffective factors in improving learning and educational results.  While past wisdom has called for longer class hours and expensive educational programs as a way to improve learning among students, the EI report has in fact found that it is nearly the opposite that is true!  "What we have done is compared educational budgets with educational results," explains EI researcher Jakob Schtultenschleimer, "keeping in mind also hours spent in educational situations, and we have found that people who study more are not smarter.  This theory is vital in understanding why students in some nations study foreign languages for as much as seven years without being able to string together a coherent sentence in that language, as well as why students with computers in the classrooms are constantly outperformed by barefoot students who learn from chalkboards in one-room classrooms in rural areas of developing nations.  With respects to language learning, we have been able to discover that language learning is best done in amorous situations, particularly when a certain amount of alcohol has been imbibed.  Street urchins in tourist areas are often able to pick up foreign languages better then anybody, and for that we have cited the famous character Short Round in that Indiana Jones movie as the perfect archetype for this sort of condition."

First Class Bore Talks Obsessively About Films Nobody Has Seen - John Sloovy may think seeing more films than anyone else make him more knowledgeable, and therefore more interesting, than other people; unfortunately, most people seem to disagree.  "John sees a film or two a day, and he always manages to find a way to tell you what they were," says co-worker Richard Sales.  "He also maintains a website with all sorts of reviews on it.  I don't think anybody actually reads it, he just likes to know its there.  He's always asking me what I think of it, I usually make something up.  I've never checked it out yet.  He's seen any film you can mention, so now the films he sees are so obscure nobody has ever heard of any of them.  What's the use of that?"  Others agree with Sales.  "John has this annoying habit of comparing any situation to a movie he has seen," says his girlfriend Jane Sail.  "Like if we're at a video store, he'll mention a scene in 'Scream', and if we're getting gas he'll say it reminds him of 'Kalifornia' or 'Boys Don't Cry', or if we're at a convenience store he'll say that it reminds him of 'Clerks' or 'Smoke' or 'Blue In The Face'.  It's inescapable."  In addition to films and the all-encompassing website, Sloovy enjoys telling people about countries he's traveled to that nobody has ever heard of, or underground bands whose CDs he has bought through mail order.

Editorial -

I'm in the Market For a New Disposable Razor - Disposable razors are tricky things, so when my disposable razor of favor 'Guillotine' stopped production and my bulk supply ran out, I found myself in the market for a new disposable razor.  What does a guy look for in a new disposable razor?  I wasn't sure, I had been using the Guillotine for so long, I just took it for granted.  I did a bit of comparison shopping and priced the various disposable razors.  There was a big difference in the various products on the market, but I found a few that had nice grips, nice movement, didn't nick too much, weren't outrageously over-priced, and stayed sharp longer than a few shaves.  I also made sure to experiment with different types of shaving cream so that I could come up with a fair evaluation of the various razors' shaving abilities.  Finally, I discovered one that I thought was pretty good, and it will be my new razor of favor.  Unfortunately, it is not the product of a large company and who knows how long they will actually be selling the product.  I've already bought a lot of stock in case there is a shortage some day, but I'll also keep my eye on the financial news to see if the company is in trouble.  At least for now I'm glad that I have a new razor, I'm going to just have to hope for the best.

Science and Technology

New Study Reveals That Julius Caesar May Actually Have Committed Suicide - New studies by acclaimed historians at several Ivy-league schools have revealed new research that indicates that Roman emperor Julius Casear, who lived over 2000 years ago, may not have been betrayed and murdered by those closest to him, as has been commonly believed up until now, but may in fact have committed suicide instead.  The studies, published in History Journal, have not been without some controversy, although several noted historians have admitted that the studies do indeed hold up to critical scrutiny.  "There are not many out there who do not know the story of Julius Caesar, as popularized by William Shakespeare," says Bannbridge University head historian Robert Schmalpozwilla, "but this can only be considered a fiction in the broadest sense, a play merely based on the actual history of Julius Shakespeare.  What in fact happened is that Caesar had been grappling with depression.  He had it all, and all he could do is think about throwing it away.  Kind of a Great Gatsby type if you will.  When his friends in the high council heard about depression and possible suicidal tendencies - for indeed Caesar's father Maximus Octavian Caesar, had died a suicide - they gathered around him and tried to talk him out of this desperate act.  Caesar listened to what everyone had to say, finally turning to his best friend Brutus, and uttered the classic line 'et tu, Brutae?'  Brutus, too overcome with emotion, could not choke out the arguments that he had prepared to try to talk Caesar out of taking his life.  And the group of sad men had to face the fact that Caesar was committed to taking his own life.  You have to remember at that time... a Roman emperor was all-powerful, and even the power to take his own life... could not be denied one who carried the title caesar.  And so he stabbed himself in the back."

Collectors Item Homepages Saved in Cache Memory - Many people who wish they could once more look up a certain homepage with a good blooper on it, lost since the homepage has been updated, are advised to check their cache memory.  The cache memory, which saves as backups old homepages, is the best place to look for these collector's item homepages.  Once located, they can be renamed and saved permanently in the computer's hard-drive or even on floppy disc or CD-R.  "A few months ago, there was some controversial language on a certain heavy metal band's home page, a joke that didn't go over well," explains internet watchdog Richard Minx.  "The page was quickly changed and the joke disappeared, but it became a kind of legendary webpage in a sense.  Because of the change made, people who found the page at the time have had cause to go into their cache memory and retrieve the valued blooper webpage.  Pages like these have become collectors items, in fact, and can even be sold on various auctions sites... at least for the time being."

Metallica Homepage Bootlegged - Heavy metal band Metallica is reportedly up in arms after discovering that its homepage www.one1.com, named after the band's breakthrough song "One," had been bootlegged.  A search by Internet Police on the net confirmed that the webpage had in fact been duplicated and uploaded to www.monkeybusiness.org.bu/~sikorsky/happy/mtllika/pages/mtllikagotitsgun.html.  A spokesman for the band has revealed that the band intends to threaten the service provider with legal action if they do not remove the bootlegged site from public access, but the damage appears to already have been done.  Besides the fact that similar bootleg sites are widely available on the net there is the fact that the bootlegged site exists in the cache memories of all of the users who have ever visited the site, compounding the difficulty of making the problem go away.


Snowboader Discrimination Spreading Across the Slopes - People who normally don't have reason to discriminate against others have been known to throw all the rules out the window when it comes to sports; the latest victim of the leisure wars is the small but loyal group of snowboarding enthusiasts, who at the moment appear to be losing the war of the slopes.  Often harshly regulated and penalized for minor infractions, the group is just beginning to get angry, and the rowdy bunch is not shy of getting vocal on the slopes.  "It's our only recourse, actually, when those ski fascists whiz by us, hit us from behind, things like that," complains snowboarder Darryl Adams.  "As a white guy living in a western country, I am obviously never discriminated against, but here on the slopes there's a whole new set of rules.  We're always being spit on, having things thrown at us, insulted by the skiers.  The administration has all these rules against us too, and if there's a dispute between a skier and a snowboarder, the skier always wins.  Even the lift guys heckle and insult us, and if we talk back they have the authority to revoke our tickets!  It's a battleground out here.  There's not just discrimination and official intolerance but now also violence against snowboarders.  Just last week some guy nearly had his finger broken by a group of angry skiers who thought he sprayed them with snow when he went by them - they were standing out of view anyway!  We snowboarders may like to get wasted on the sloped and have a good time, but we're not a problem to anybody.  This is just plain discrimination!"


Businessman Forced to Tell a Lie - Larry Stornaway, local car dealer, is not sure when he reached the beginning of the end, but he's sure he can trace it back to the day when he was forced to tell a lie.  "I met this really strange guy when I was picnicking with my family one Saturday down by the river," Stornaway explains.  "He was asking me all these weird questions and I was kind of hoping he would go away.  I was already picturing the worst case scenario - that he would come and sit down with my family and get to know them and ingratiate himself into our dinner, I'd have to feed him and make sure he got home all right, that sort of thing.  I stopped talking to him, having already given up the idea of selling him a car, so when he was leaving he asked me for my card.  I had to lie to him and tell him I didn't have one when I knew for sure that I did have one on me - I never leave the house without a few in my wallet, no way.  So I guess that was the beginning of the end.  From then on I kept on lying, telling people I didn't have my business card on me, cheating them a little on this, a little on that.  You can't run a business that way.  Pretty soon it all dried up, another shop opened in town, people go there instead, and I filed for bankruptcy.  My wife left me, my kids don't have any faith in me.  Now the lawyers have everything.  I wonder if a lawyer lies, what happens to his practice?"

Nanka Brand Foods and Beverages - Despite the tightness of the ultra-competitive food and beverage market, irregardless of the tradition of high consumer brand loyalty, Sumitomo Foods has decided that the time is right to launch their own comprehensive line of foods and beverages under a newly designed brand name -  Nanka.  "The Nanka food and beverage line will be comprehensive," explains Toshi Toshiboro, president in charge of creation of the Nanka line.  "It may seem risky to launch a brand name so ambitiously at this time, but the fact is that there is genius behind the name, considering how often the word 'nanka' is used in the Japanese daily - it will seem instantly familiar, yet brand name-like at the same time.  How many times have young ladies used the phrase ' nanka taberu,' or 'nanka nomu,' literally 'wanna drink nanka,' or 'wanna eat nanka' to their friends.  I'm positive we will have a hit on our hands.  I anticipate the biggest problem we will have will be keeping up with demand.  Buy Nanka brand now before it's sold out."  Nanka brand juices will hit the stores Friday, Nanka brand chocolate is already available.

"The Maggot" Sport Shoe's Fails to Catch On - Nike's large investment in a molded plastic sports shoe called "the Maggot" does not seem to be paying off as sales of the brand new show spiral ever downward.  "The Maggot," a white molded plastic shoe costing $150 which has no laces and is ridged and has two black dots near the two, took three years of marketing development and research and development to create at a cost of nearly $300 million.  The shoe has also been backed up by a $500 million advertising campaign that uses several prominent professional athletes as well as the entire Olympic team.  Prominent spots were paid for during the Super Bowl, and sales were expected to recoup the cost of development and advertising within a single season.  Unfortunately, only 100 pairs of the shoe have been sold.  "The Maggot" is also in strict competition with rival shoes like Reebok's "the Platypus" and "the Millipede" from Adidas.  "I think we hit a marketing bubble," explains marketing manager Alan Throaty.  "All the numbers indicated that this is just what America needs.  My theory at its apparent failure is that it could have been a hit a few months ago and we waited to long.  But I guess that there's no way we can go back and find out if this theory is right, now, is there?"

New Model SUV Contains Bus Engine - In an era of international military and economic expansion, there is also similar expansion in many individual markets, and among these markets is also the already-bulging market for Sports Utility Vehicles.  This is why, just months after GM unveiled its Gargantuan SUV truck, Ford has hit the market with the biggest SUV ever - the Super MF.  But what sets the Super MF apart from other similar vehicles (if the word "similar" can even be used) is the fact that under the hood it has an actual bus engine.  "What we really wanted with a new vehicle is to bring something to the market that hasn't been seen before," says Super MF designer William Patent, "and that's what this bus engine is going to provide.  It will be able to hurl up near-vertical inclines, it will be able to tear up patches on the highway and crush compact cars like tin cans, and if it has to it will even be able to get thirty screaming  kids to school on time.  Funnily enough, I got the idea for using the bus engine by thinking back to the old TV movie 'High School U.S.A.' starring then-unknown Canadian actor Michael J. Fox as a nerd, playing next to 'Diffr'nt Strokes' veterans and convicted felons Dana Plato and Todd Bridges.  In the movie, a prototype to his award-winning 'Back To The Future' films and amusement park rides, Fox wins a race against Anthony Edwards by building a car that uses... wait for it... a bus engine!   Not only that, but the film was pretty good too.  In a sense it was all very ahead of its time, especially since SUVs weren't really being built at that time at all.  I'm glad that things have changed since the early eighties, I could never imagine going back to driving Cameros and Z-28s the way we used to - they were OK, but didn't really have the oomph!  I love this thing, and some day I want to be buried in one."  It is believed that the Super MF will be the biggest SUV on the market this year, although it may fall to second place next year if Boeing's plans to enter the SUV market with it's 747 SUV come through.


Quotable Enough to Quote:
"How can this guy be a TV announcer if he can't even pronounce 'shibboleth' correctly?"  John Jakes on FBS news anchor Brian Broadshaw.
"Between Jell-o and a soft place."  Silvia Jones, gelatin therapist
"What we hope to achieve is an era of kind compassion."  Some politician
"What's 'kind compassion'?"  Some punter
"Landmines don't kill people; people kill people."  Walter Chaleston, National Landmines Association
Our economy must not just be first in the world, but must be the first by a large margin; and if we have to sacrifice the environment to achieve those goals, then so be it.  After our administration, the deluge.  My children don't want to inherit the earth from us anyway.  the President (implicit message only)

Wieners and Loosers: An information table where we decide who is a wiener and who is a looser.
Pol Pot: mass murderer died before he could be convicted
Roo Pol: limp wrist corrected successfully in breakthrough operation
Van Halen: lose homepage vanhalen.com to fanboys, register van-halen.com
Brian Broadshaw: FBS news anchor couldn't pronounce "shibboleth" correctly
OL Mari Obahara, who wore out her thumb writing emails on her cell phone.
OL Sara Watanbe, who still doesn't even have a cell phone

Hissy Fit of the Weak: Memorable movie lines "I'll be back" vs. "I'll be right back."
Name: Arnold "I'll be back" Schwartzenegger
Film: Terminator 2
Age: 52
Occupation: actor, icon, personal trainer
Best Punch: "Hasta la vista, baby." 
Name: Tom "I'll be right back
Film: Cast Away
Age: 42
Occupation: actor, icon, nice guy
Best Punch: "What do you think, Wilson - parted on the left or on the right?"
Winner: Arnold "I could break every bone in your body if I wanted to" Schwartzenegger

Let's Make A Bad Joke - Question: What will you do when digital phones become illegal because they cause brain cancer?

I'll hit the black market, there will always be cell phones available there.
I'll send passenger pigeons to my friends with unimportant messages when I have to kill time.
I'll invest all my attention in a pocket calculator with advanced functions.
I'll buy a virtual cell phone.
I'll reluctantly go back to talking to people face-to-face.

Letters to the Editor -

Dear Head Cheese,
I've written you 5 or 6 letters already and they have never appeared in Head Cheese.  They didn't even appear in the special "Letters To The Editor Only" edition of Head Cheese.  I think you're deliberately ignoring me.  This is so typical - upstart publications need their fans when they are just starting out, but then ignore them when they are finally on their way.  You guys are snobs just like everybody else.  I hope you don't print this letter just to make yourselves look "fair" and "impartial," because that would just be a sad joke.
John Chalmers (by email)

Dear Head Cheese,
I enjoyed your Head Cheese 6 with all the letters to the editor, but I'm kind of sick of reading letters to the editor now.  I hope you don't print any in Head Cheese 7, that would just be overkill.
John Boobootek (by email)

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email: Peter Höflich
created April 20th, 2001
All writings copyright Peter Hoflich , 2001
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